Do you ever have one of those days that feels like everything is hitting you in the face?
The weight of the world is on your shoulders, everything that can go wrong goes wrong, every problem or worry you’ve been dealing with suddenly comes to fruition all at once. I have these days, sometimes they drag into weeks, or even months, and I begin to feel like it will never end, I’ll never be happy, I’ll never be at peace, I’ll never not have something to worry about.
I let my worries weigh on me and pull me down, but I am making an effort to prevent that from happening to me, and you should too. Life is fucking hard, there will ALWAYS be something to worry about, and the things that you think will fix it won’t. More money won’t stop you from being stressed, finishing school won’t lighten your load, finding a spouse won’t make you happy, having a baby won’t make you feel whole.
Those realizations suck ass, but you can’t rely on these types of things to solve your problems. Can they help? Yes. But they will not solve everything, you have to put some work in yourself.
I find myself saying that I’ll have less to worry about when I get a raise, when I finish school, when I pay of my credit card, or when cooper’s ear infection goes away. But that’s not true, while any of those things would do me no harm, and could considerably lighten the weight on my shoulders, it’s not going to solve my problems, it will not prevent me from being stressed about the next thing that will inevitably come around.
I have had to learn how to get out of my head, to focus on the present rather than the future. I should not be focusing on whats next. Am I really living my life if I am always looking to the next thing rather than focusing on what can be making me happy now? No, I am not, I can’t live in the future, I cannot spend my days worrying about what will happen next and I cannot have specific expectations for how my life is supposed to go. Am I saying that I am going to through caution to the wind, spend money liberally and allow myself to make mistakes that could screw up my life? No, all I am saying is that I am not going to live for the future, I spend so much time planning how things should go, when they actually happen I get upset if they don’t go EXACTLY how I expected.
I still allow myself to plan things and be organized, but I am doing my best to accept that things may not go as planned, and to ‘go with the flow’ if things do change. It takes a lot for someone like me to be able to adjust their frame of mind, and I am not always successful, sometimes I still let it get to me. But I am a work in process, and I am worth the work I need to put into myself.
I want to be one of those people who always seem to be in a good mood, a happy go lucky person. I don’t feel like I have ever been that person, I tend to keep to myself, I have a resting bitch face, I’m easily annoyed or bothered by small things. But it is time for me to make a conscious effort to change myself for the better. I want to be better for myself, but I also want to be better for other people, the effect people have on each other is great, and I want my effect to be a good one. I want to make someones day better just because they had a conversation with me, I want to help others feel supported, to help raise their mood, to be a bright spot in someones life. But, in order to do that, I need to be better for myself first. I need to take the time to learn, grow and mature. I need to get away from my own problems and issues, be less self absorbed, less annoyed, and less stressed out all the time. It is a hard thing to do and an even harder thing to realize you need to do. I am not sure what helped me get to this realization, but I am so glad I am here. I am worth the work, I can do this, I can become a better friend, daughter, sister, aunt, wife and person. I will not let life keep knocking me down, I will not let myself get upset over small road blocks, I will not let other peoples negative attitudes ruin my day.