This post is going to get personal, and it will probably be unorganized because I am just typing out my thoughts.
About once a week my husband reminds me just how much I love him. He is annoying and can be a complete ass, but I simply do not know what I would do without him.
Last weekend, I was dancing in the living room, Roth was looking at me like I was crazy, and he asked “are you having a hoedown”? I replied “that was not a hoedown” so he looked at me, very seriously and says in a completely normal tone “oh, so it was a hootenanny”. As if a hootenanny was the only other thing it could have possibly been. It cracked me up, and it made me think about how much I love him. That is when I decided to write this entry.
Roth and I have been together for five years, which really doesn’t seem like that long, but in reality it is over a quarter of my life. He loves me (and hates me) for who I am, I’m a tough person to live with, I have my bitchy tendencies and grumpy days. But he does his best to make me feel loved and special, he is the person I am goofy around and the person I come to when I need comfort. He is strong when I am feeling weak and I think we complement each other well.
I have been worried about bringing personal stories to my blog. I know that I would like for it to focus on helping other people, but I had to remind myself that I am also doing this to help me, and that in sharing personal stories and experiences I may also be able to touch the life of someone who deals with similar issues. So with that being said, I will lead into the whole reason behind my blog.
There are very few people in my life that I feel I can be 100% myself around. I am a naturally anxious person, and I don’t think I ever truly realized that it was anxiety until I hit my twenties. When I am interacting with people socially I am constantly on edge, I feel like every word I say has to be the right thing, and I analyze peoples responses to me way more than I should. It takes an extreme amount of effort for me to have normal interactions with people. I constantly worry about whether or not they like me, if I am annoying them, or if they think I am a complete idiot. It is hard for me to separate myself from those insecurities, which leads me to completely avoid interaction with people I don’t know. I will walk around the building and up the stairs to avoid taking an elevator with someone I don’t know. Trust me, I realize how stupid that is, why should I avoid small talk with someone? Why should I care what other people think about me? Honestly who gives a fuck what anyone thinks as long as I am okay with myself? I think that is where the problem stems, I am not okay with myself, and that is the reason I want to write about myself and my issues. I think that writing about them will help for me to figure out exactly what it is I don’t like, and hopefully help me find ways that I can change.
My anxiety goes much further than just the social aspects of my life, it consumes most every aspect of my day. I worry about my loved ones, I worry about my performance at work, I worry about my health and my posture, my pets and how clean my house is. But my biggest worry always comes back to how others perceive me. I want to be perceived as a kind and caring person, because I care deeply about other people, but I fear that I don’t come off that way. My anxiety stops me from texting someone to check on them, because I worry that I will bother them, it stops me from telling people how I truly feel because I worry that they don’t care about my thoughts or opinions. It also stops me from being myself, because I am worried that they won’t understand me or my extremely sarcastic sense of humor. Luckily for me, I have Roth. He knows how much I care, he makes sure that I know he loves me even when my anxiety is telling me he doesn’t, he asks for my opinions and he gets my sense of humor. He is my rock, and my safe place. I think that my first step in resolving my problems with my anxiety will be trying to look at myself as he looks at me, because that is really something special.